I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
