come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
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