Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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