it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
