It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
