guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
