It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
