God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
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