oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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