My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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