She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
