He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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