At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Drunk walkin through police station. America
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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