If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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