My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
