Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
