There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
