The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
