Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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