Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Is it because I queefed?
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
