WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Randomize
