My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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