this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
