Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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