It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
