Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
