All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
