Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
