Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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