i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
