i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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