her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I queefed so loud it echoed.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
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