If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
