so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I faked an abortion last night.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Shame - the story of my life.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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