just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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