my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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