i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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