You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Randomize
