my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
