You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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