Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
