got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
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