the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Randomize
