Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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