Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
