My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
