Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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