i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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