already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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