I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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